BUILDING MEN OF CHARACTER

The following is a column by my wife, Rabbi Rose Lyn Jacob, in this week's Culpeper Star-Exponent:

It takes love and courage to build a boy into a man. It takes a lot of perseverance, guidance and mutual respect to build that boy into a man of character. I’ve been dwelling on this since listening to an interview with author Anna Malaika Tubbs on her new book, “The Three Mothers: How the Mothers of Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X and James Baldwin Shaped a Nation.”

The book acknowledges that, while we know a great deal about these three men and their legacies, we know almost nothing about their mothers; it is as if these women who were, in each case, an integral part of shaping her son’s life; Alberta Williams King, Berdis Baldwin and Louise Little, were erased from history. Her description of Alberta Williams King is that of a college-educated woman with a teaching certificate, who lead the choir, played the church organ and served as a proud member of the NAACP. She was an outstanding role model; active in several organizations that focused on social justice and passed on a commitment to social justice to Martin as part of her Christian faith.

She was extremely close to Martin, and he was known to say that he had “the best mother in the world.” She took her passion and talent, and translated those into her mothering, which Martin shared with the world. Although few today know it, Alberta was also assassinated, shot in the head at age 69, while playing the organ at Ebenezer Baptist Church, six years after MLK, only yards away from the graveyard where her son was buried.

It is 2023, and we have grown wearily accustomed to reports of viscous and unrestrained acts of war, terror and bloodshed. Yet we are struck repeatedly by acts of crime and savagery perpetuated by young men, regardless of color or ethnicity, or nationality. We ask, “How is it possible for young men to take lives so recklessly, brutally and callously?” We also wonder how they can walk into a subway, or a classroom, or a Walmart and just open fire?

We’ve grown immune to unethical behavior, lying, or cheating in business and politics perpetrated by young men who have no compunction about embezzling, cheating, or misappropriating funds of those who can least afford the losses, and defrauding the elderly who have no time or means to recoup their life savings. Our magazines and social media are rife with stories of poor behavior, often by men of privilege, or fame, who behave badly, but with no remorse.

This is America. So how can we, going forward, bolster for this and future generations of young men the idea of a free society of justice and compassion that respects the sanctity of life and the dignity of the human individual? Once upon a time, these values were conveyed in Sunday school lessons, or, if you were fortunate by role models in your life. These methods are rarer and rarer, and bad behavior is flaunted in the multiverse. As parents, grandparents or special people in their lives, we only have a few years to lay the foundations of good character in our sons. Some of these values and behaviors can be taught and reinforced starting at about age three, others by age five, and they all can pretty much get it down pat by age seven, with constant reminders and boosters for the next ten to fifteen years. No list of virtues can ever replace good role modeling. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been a good strategy for building and toughening up moral behavior! Take a look at some of these ideas, and imagine when and how they might bolster your son’s self-worth, and confidence, and put him on a sure footing when life throws a curve ball his way, and send him in the right direction once he fledges from the nest.

Always give a firm hand shake and look ‘em in the eye.

When it comes to women of any age, CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD! Treat all women with respect and courtesy. Hold the door open even if it isn’t necessarily the fashion.

Work hard. Give it your best, whether working for yourself or someone else! Whether it is academics or sports or working as a barista at Starbucks. The discipline and value of what you learn will last a lifetime. It’s called “hard work” because it is HARD!

According to Mahatma Gandhi, “The simplest acts of kindness are far more powerful than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.” Combat the tendency toward selfishness by modeling generosity. Teach him that helping and giving can make him feel good!

Starting in the sandbox, teach him how to play fair, be humble when winning and graceful in defeat, and never use performance enhancing drugs.

Try to think of the consequences of your actions before you end up in the hospital or jail. Only act after careful consideration, and if things go wrong, accept responsibility and try to set things right. And please, don’t blame others for your mistakes!

Consequences can be much worse than you might imagine. Especially if what you do is amazingly stupid.

Parents, please only occasionally use this phrase ,“What Were You Thinking?” You will only get a blank stare from which you can imply that he wasn’t. The male brain doesn’t mature until the mid 20’s, which means there will be too many opportunities to question their thought process.

Remember to hug and kiss when he is little. Say “good job, good job” when he deserves it. Don’t give praise for just showing up!!!!!

Wishing you all a good week. Be careful at your Super Bowl party and remember not to be caught double-dipping into the seven-layer dip! It will set a bad example for your son!